


Clandestine Cupcakes

by BloodAndPaper



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 16:46:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5298785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodAndPaper/pseuds/BloodAndPaper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Domestic Hollstein. Total crackfic really.</p><p>Laura and Carmilla have finally decided to tie the knot. At the bachelorette party, Carmilla learns just how red Laura's face can actually get, when Perry shows up with the refreshments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clandestine Cupcakes

**Author's Note:**

> In collaboration with:
> 
> @mattiebelmonde  
> @lethodusk
> 
> Who helped me create the dialogue of this crack fic. LOL

Laura stared at herself in the mirror, as Carmilla’s arms wrapped around her waist and the vampire pressed a gentle kiss to her temple. “I can’t believe we’ve been together for four years now.”

Carmilla huffed. “Didn’t think you’d be able to stand me for that long, cupcake?”

Laura playfully shoved the older girl’s shoulder. “Cut it out Carm. This is a special day.” She looked down at the ring on her finger. It caught the late afternoon sunlight and sparkled like – well – a diamond.

“I can’t believe this is really happening,” Laura whispered. She shook her head. “After – everything. Everything I put you through. All the mistakes I made. I never thought I’d be sitting here today with a ring on my finger – that you put there.”

Carmilla pulled Laura into a gentle kiss. “Cupcake, we all make mistakes. Some of us more than others. Just think – I’ve got 316 years worth of mistakes on you.” She gave Laura another quick peck on the lips and ruffled the girl’s hair. “Now come on, we’re going to be late to our own party.”

Laura smiled at the vampire’s retreating form. She wasn’t sure what she had done to deserve this beautiful creature at her side, but she was going to spend the rest of her life, keeping Carmilla there.

* * *

 

LaFontaine sidled up behind a frantically lost-in-baking, Lola Perry. “What’cha doin, Perr?”

Perry glanced back at them for a moment before returning to watch the egg timer. “Not now Laf, the timer is about to go off. If you distract me then the cupcakes will burn.”

“Cupcakes?” they asked curiously.

“Yeah, for Laura and Carmilla’s bachelorette party. It’s tonight. Tell me you didn’t forget.”

“No no, I didn’t forget,” the shorter redhead started cracking up. “Oh my god Perr, you have to ice them like this.” They reached for their laptop and, after a few clicks, a picture appeared.

Perry blushed furiously. “Well, I don’t think that’s very appropriate. How did you even find that?”

Laf shrugged. “Appropriate? Really? We’re talking about Hollstein here. They can barely manage to keep their hands off of each other for five minutes, regardless of who else is in the room.” They set the laptop down so that Perry could use the picture as a blueprint. “As for how I found it. I did a search on vagility in mycobacterium and this popped up in the _images.”_ They shrugged again. “Come on Perr, you know you want to.”

The timer sounded, and Perry huffed, taking the cupcakes out to cool. “Fine, I’ll make the stupid Lady Garden cupcakes. But if anybody asks, I’m saying I made them under duress!” She took out a bowl and began whipping up the icing.

LaFontaine dissolved into a fit of laughter. “Lady Gardens? Seriously Perr?”

Perry frowned. “And just what would _you_ call them?”

LaFontaine shrugged and thought for a moment. “Probably, Bearded Clam Cakes.” They laughed even harder at the scandalized look on Perry’s face.

Perry shook her head furiously. “Good heavens, Laf. Don’t be so crude. I’ll need you to run by the store and get me some – are those cherries? Oh my. Yes, I’ll need some cherries,” she finished quickly, a blush creeping back onto her face. 

LaFontaine was still chuckling as they grabbed their keys and headed to the store.

* * *

 

Carmilla and Laura made it to the party fashionably late. Actually, they had been five minutes early, but Carmilla had spent that five minutes – plus another five – smearing her lipstick across Laura’s mouth and down her neck. And the next five minutes trying to reapply said lipstick.

When they entered Perry and LaFontaine’s house, they were immediately assaulted by loud cheers and unwelcomed – on Carmilla’s part – hugs from their friends.

Not too long after their arrival, the party was in full swing. The music was loud and the people were louder. They had just finished a game of Napkin Trivia and Laura was still blushing from some of the questions. Really who needed to know if Carmilla wore boxers or briefs? Or what Laura’s favorite sexual position was? She shook her head and was about to make her way over to the refreshment table to grab one of Perry famous cupcakes. She’d heard the redhead was bringing some and she really wanted to start her sugar high. She’d only made it a few steps before Betty was grabbing her hand and pulling her to the middle of the room.

Laura stared down at the card in her hand. “What’s this?” she asked Betty.

“It’s Bachelorette Mad Libs! Duh!” the girl said as if it were obvious.

Laura looked at the card again. It was just a bunch of blanks for her to fill in with words. That was easy enough. She started filling out the card.

Groom’s Name – Carmilla

_Haha, groom._

Adjective – Sugary

_Okay…maybe she should have gotten the cupcake first. She glanced over at the refreshment table longingly, eyeing the chocolate truffles stacked in a large pyramid._

Noun – Truffle

She sighed, glancing at the next line. At least she couldn’t turn emotions into food.

Emotion – Hungry

_Fuck. Maybe she should just go with it. It probably won’t even make sense like this, less embarrassment that way._

Noun - Breakfast

Noun – Dinner

Verb – Munch

_Her stomach growled at the thought of munching on some of the appetizers._

Verb-ing – Feeding

Body part – Thumb

_That was innocent enough right?_

Verb-ing – Licking

_That one could end up being bad, but she really wanted to be licking the frosting off of one of those cupcakes right now._

Noun - Frosting

Verb - Bite

Verb-ed - Chewed

Verb - Swallow

_Everything in sequence…._

Noun – Cream-filling

_She eyed the stack of pink cupcakes again. It looked like Perry had made some kind of design on top with the frosting and she really wanted to see what it was. It kind of looked like a flower from where she was sitting. God she could being sucking that frosting off of her fingers at this point if it weren't for this stupid game!_

Verb-ing - Sucking

Body part - Fingers

Verb – Devour

_She watched Danny walk up to the tray of cupcakes and pick one up, looking at it curiously before setting it back down and storming off. That was weird._

Noun – Teeth

Emotion-ness – Ravenous-ness

_Her stomach growled again loudly._

Exclamation – Holy Hufflepuff!

She handed the card to Laf and watched them take it to Sarah Jane who started frantically filling in the blanks of the short storyline, while Natalie did the same with Carmilla’s card.

“Okay,” LaFontaine called out. Now, the bachelorettes are going to read each other’s cards. Laf brought Carmilla’s card over to her.

Laura looked down at the card again. An overwhelming sense of dread filled her. _Oh god, what did I just write down?_ She cleared her throat. “ Laura, my sweet girl. I am so honored to be able to marry my soul mate and best friend. You are the one who makes me smile, giving me a helping hand, and kissing away my tears. I promise to laugh with you, be awed by you, and to ease all of your pain _._ For the rest of my life, I want you right by my side,  holding my hand. I promise to cherish you with all of my heart, until you’re crying tears of joy and shouting Hell fucking yeah! from the rooftop.

Laura tried to glare at her fiancé for – obviously - cheating, but the tears of joy from Carmilla’s words, were making it a little hard. “Carm, you cheated,” she whined, wiping her face and sniffling. “I promise to love you with all of my heart, too,” she whispered.

Carmilla grinned big and shrugged. “I’ve been to a lot of bachelorette parties in my day, sweetness. You kind of pick up on these things after a while.” She winked at her fiancé before looking down at the card that Perry had handed her. She burst into laughter. “Really cupcake?”

Laura blushed furiously.

“Oh this should be good,” Elsie called out from across the room, upon seeing Laura’s flushed face.

Carmilla cleared her throat and began to read.

“Carmilla my _sugary , truffle, I am so hungry _to be able to marry my breakfast & dinner.”

The room erupted into raucous laughter. Laura’s face got even darker.

 “You are the one who makes me munch, feeding me a helping thumb, and licking away my frosting.”

She raised an eyebrow at the mortified face of her lover. “Frosting huh?” The amusement in the room only grew. She heard catcalls coming from what sounded like Danny and Mel. Her smirk only growing wider.

“I promise to bite with you, be chewed by you, and to swallow all of your cream-filling.”

She gave her best seduction eyes to Laura – who looked as if she were trying to get the chair to swallow her whole. _Cream-filling and all._

“For the rest of my life, I want you right by my side, sucking my fingers. I promise to devour you with all of my teeth, until you’re crying tears of ravenousness and shouting Holy Hufflepuff! from the rooftop.”

Carmilla smirked at her fiancé. “Well – Holy Hufflepuff, sweetheart. I don’t know what to say.”

Laura huffed, standing. “I was really hungry when I filled out the card okay!” She stomped off in the direction of the refreshment table.

Laura stared down, dismayed at the sugary treats in front of her. The universe was not on her side. She could feel her face getting hot. The cupcakes she’d been eyeing all night were – well they were – they had – the icing was – pink, and folded on top to form – well – folds. Nestled at the top of the icing slit, was a cherry. Okay, _obviously_ the fucking cupcakes were supposed to look like _vaginas_. It wasn’t her eyes playing tricks on her. Or her dirty mind.

She couldn’t _not_ eat the cupcakes though. _They’re chocolate! With cherry frosting!_ It would be a sin to let such a treat go untasted. But…she couldn’t very well sit there and put _that_ in her mouth, in front of everybody. Not after she had just – written – ugh! Maybe she could scrape off the icing. _But that’s the best part!_ And she didn’t want to offend Perry.

Finally, after about five minutes of going back and forth in her head, she picked up one of the cupcakes and began to nibble along the edge. She was briefly aware that Carmilla had followed her, but she didn’t dare look at the vampire.

LaFontaine walked up and put their arm around Laura’s shoulders. “Hey L, stop teasing the cupcake,” they winked. “I’ll let you in on a little secret.” They got closer – as if to whisper in Laura’s ear. “They have cream-filling in the center.” Laura choked on the bite of cupcake she was swallowing. She gently set the treat back down on the plate, as if it would bite her if she weren’t careful.

Carmilla and Lafontaine exploded in laughter.

Laura shot a glare in her fiancé’s direction. “Keep it up and the cupcake’s not the only thing getting teased tonight,” she grumbled under her breath so that only her vampire could hear.

Carmilla immediately sat up straight and stopped laughing. She cleared her throat. “Not funny Laf. The only person allowed to tease my cupcake is me.” She watched Laura’s face grow even redder before she realized what she’d said, eyebrows drawing together in a frown.

LaFontaine’s face went through a myriad of expressions before finally settling on a huge, toothy grin, their eyes darting between Laura’s reddening face and Carmilla’s pensive frown. “Careful Carm. You’re going to be eating those cupcakes for the rest of your life, or not exactly the cupcakes themselves but…”

Laura finally lost it. She hastily grabbed the cupcake and took a large bite, the sugar instantly calming her nerves. It wasn’t until she saw both of the wide-eyed faces staring back at her that she realized what she was doing.

Luckily, or unluckily – depending on who you were – Perry came to her rescue. Danny following closely behind.

“They’re just cupcakes Lafontaine. Stop it!” the redhead huffed. “Don’t worry Laura, just feel the flavor.”

Laura groaned, and Perry remained oblivious, as the three others at the table howled in laughter. Carmilla actually had tears streaming down her face before all was said and done. Danny was clutching the vampire’s arm, trying to catch her breath, and Carmilla wasn’t shooting the tall girl a death-glare. Laura smiled at the scene before her. _Leave it to those two to bond over my humiliation._

She finished the cupcake as politely as she could and turned back to the trio of friends that had become her family over the last few years. She grinned at their playful banter until she noticed Carmilla’s dark eyes on her.

Carmilla reached around Laura and picked up a cupcake. She gave the girl her best seduction eyes. Dragging her tongue along the icing, catching the cherry and holding it in her teeth, biting down so that Laura could see. She moaned extra loudly at the sweet flavor. Then winked at her fiancé.

Laura was biting her lip, chest heaving as she watched Carmilla eat the cupcake. The vampire’s dark eyes never leaving her own. “Carm,” she whined.

Carmilla could tell the flush on Laura’s face was no longer one of embarrassment. She smirked. “Laura, relax. I’m just _eating my cupcake_.” Her voice dropped down to a low purr at the last three words and she watched her fiancé shift in her seat.

Laura stared longingly at Carmilla’s mouth as the vampire took another bite of the sweet. 

She quickly realized the look she was giving her fiancé was not a look that should be used in public, so she did her best to make her face neutral as she stood and walked hurriedly away.

* * *

 

The rest of the night went by without further embarrassment – much to Laura’s satisfaction. They had played a few more games, and opened some _questionable_ gifts. The party was winding down and Laura was ready to get home to her nice warm bed and snuggle up to her nice warm vampire. On her way to meet up with Carmilla she passed by the refreshment table again. It was then that she heard Carmilla’s voice call out over the music.

 “Yo creampuff, toss me another vag-cake.”

Laura face-palmed. Leave it to her to find the one vampire in the world who hadn’t kept their Victorian sense of modesty and class. She shook her head and picked up another cupcake, carrying it over to Carmilla. She stood in front of the vampire with a sly smile on her face. She set the cupcake into Carmilla’s waiting hand, then pushed two of her fingers into the icing, grabbing the cherry, and popping it into her mouth. The slack-jawed look on Carmilla’s face was worth the heat she could feel crawling up her neck.

LaFontaine was laughing beside them, and Perry was blushing just as bad as Laura was.

Suddenly, Kirsch and J.P. burst through the door. “Oh my god where are they? Danny sent us pictures!” They caught sight of the cupcake in Carmilla’s hand and a few seconds later, they had shoved a tampon in the middle of the cupcake. “There ya go Hollstein. Make a wish.” They winked at the couple.

Laura just shook her head and wished for the love in Carmilla’s eyes to never fade.

**Author's Note:**

> @carmillascape


End file.
